The story so far ........
This is the long winded version of my life so far.
I hope that by sharing it, it will clarify how I have come by my philosophy and approach to working with people.
It is impossible to give a complete picture of a childhood and unfair to make any conclusive value statements.
Materially, my siblings and I were very well tended. We always had nice things and had hard working parents who endeavoured to put us first. To give us the 'stuff' they never had growing up. I will always be grateful to my parents for defying their own difficult childhoods to love us to the best of their abilities.
Emotionally and spiritually, those early days felt very stark. I do not remember having much closeness with my mother and my father was barely home, immersed as he was, in building his business.
I spent most of my time off, playing sport and exploring the my local neighbourhood. That's where I found my freedom in those days and physical expression was important to me.
Things continued that way in to my early teens until the bullying began. It was mostly a verbal affair that damaged my self confidence and sent me in to a much more introverted place than came natural. I remember spending a lot of time trying to avoid certain people, learning to please others to avoid conflict and generally sacrificing my own truth in order to fit in.
Tiredness creeped up on me. I remember the heaviness and the lack of joy. I was in my early teens and I had begun living within the 'tech world'. Spending hours on end after school, gaming. I rarely went out and as my 'friends' began going to nightclubs and meeting girls, I would stay in my lonely room, clicking away... safe but numb.
I had always been a bit of a worrier but now my mind became my nemesis. I was plagued with obsessive thoughts that felt so real and urgent. It felt like a very dark and fearful time. I felt utterly alone. Unable to confide in anyone lest they think I was mentally ill or some kind of pervert. This carried on for most of my teens and my main memory is of those days being a very lonely time.
Change came like a shot in the dark
I had signed up to a group trekking expedition in Nepal. I was 17 years old and my main motivation was that it would look good on my CV (I was in the process of applying for Universities in the UK). Little did I know that those two weeks would change my life forever.
Its impossible to encapsulate that time in a couple of sentences but if I had to, I would say that I went through some kind of ego death. I saw things that id never seen before; real poverty, real religion, death and decay, immense beauty, heart centred people. It shattered some veil I held over my world that had numbed and protected me.
We all got sick on that trip.
Some kind of dysentery infection from a rancid cake that we shared in Kathmandu. I lost a lot of weight and for weeks afterward, woke up in hot sweats. What felt worse though, was a feeling that nothing I was doing at that point really mattered. Studying for exams, going off to university, just felt pointless. I was having, what Robert Bly might've called, 'a katabasis moment'. I had dropped through the floor into nothingness. Depression kicked in big time. I left school and whilst my friends went off to uni and work, I became a drifter.
My health had not returned and got much worse after contracting Glandular fever a few months later. I was stuck with debilitating fatigue and no idea what was happening to me. It seemed like every week I was back at the doctors, only to be told, that the blood tests had come back normal. How could they be ? I felt anything but 'normal'. All the days rolled in to one and I still wasnt getting any better.
A little light in the dark
One of the doctors at my surgery, unable to help me, apart from prescribing more antidepressants, gave me a copy of a book on buddhism. I don't know what prompted her to do that. Maybe she sensed that there was a part of me 'waking up' that needed to read it. I cant say that much of it made sense to me at the time. There were lots of foreign sounding names and practices but it offered something else that was in desperately short supply...hope.
Not long after this, I had another mini breakthrough.
Since medications brought little relief, I had decided to try more alternative things. I had began seeing a nutritionist/naturopath and I wanted to try yoga. This was mid 2000's and yoga had not spread like wildfire as it has now. There were very few classes happening in South Wales. The nearest one to me that I could find was over 40 miles away, in the middle of the countryside. A place called the Malindi centre.
Thats where I met Zita. She came to the door to greet me and I felt instantly welcomed, like id been enveloped in a big hug. Throughout the yoga session, which I can barely remember, I felt this radiance of kindness and love coming from Zita. It was like a balm to my soul. Zita walked with a limp and dressed in indian inspired clothes. After the session, she asked me if I would like to see the ashram.
Ashram ?
I had never heard of one. She had built it in her home studio for her teacher that had cured her of cancer, she said. I was intrigued and was feeling better than I had in years, so eagerly agreed. Well, this room was unlike anything I had seen. It was filled with photographs of an indian man in orange robes. His face looked down from every corner and on each picture there sat, thick layers of grey ash. I asked Zita what this was. "It is holy ash...it turns up of its own accord", she said. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There were hundreds of these pictures, all caked in this ash that seemed suspended there. It seemed to be defying the laws of physics. She told me about how she had gone to India, seeking healing for her cancer and how her teacher had brought this to her. Still, to this day, I don't really know what to make of this experience. What I do know, is that Zita told me about two books that I should read, that were perfect 'initiators' for my current situation. They were 'The Power of Now' and 'Autobiography of a Yogi'.
Realising that I was not my thoughts
The Power of Now spoke to me from the moment I started reading it. That my thoughts had taken the driving seat because I had identified with them and believed they were my identity. The misery of my depression had been fuelled by these thoughts and for the first time, ever, I started to disengage from the noise in my head. I felt freedom, liberation and a sense of deep peace. I also began to see how some of my closest relationships were actually quite unhealthy and keeping me stuck. I realised that I was quite codependent and needed to seperate physically for a while to find my own truth.
I worked many jobs in my 20's. I couldn't seem to stick with anything. My health was still not great and to be frank, the work environments just felt too 'linear' for me. There was no freedom to express my unique voice. I was required to meet the tasks and any innovation from me, wasn't welcomed. I became quite disillusioned with the world of work. I wanted to find something that would really light me up. Feel purposeful.
I decided to go to University. Perhaps the answer lay in the Arts and therapies. I studied Creative Arts therapies in Bristol and was introduced to lots of therapeutic tools in art, drama, movement and music. I began to feel that my voice was welcome here. Still, there was something nagging me. Something that reared its ugly head every time I tried to sit down and write a boring essay. My brain would not fire up! I would just sit there for hours, trying depserately to get going with the work. After months like this, I happened to come across a book in the library by a woman who discovered she had ADHD in her twenties. Suddenly, she said, it all made sense. The reasons her brain worked the way it did. Every word on those pages was like YES YES YES. This was me she was speaking about. Within 3 months, I had my appointment with the private psychiatrist (forget waiting for the NHS!). After a lengthy assessment, she said, that yes, I did indeed present as someone with ADHD. My childhood profile and current challenges all lined up. There was a sense of relief that finally, I could say, I wasn't some deeply flawed person who couldn't get his shit together. There was a neurophysiological reason behind many of my challenges in life. Not excuses but compassion emerged. I still had to navigate life like everyone else but there was illumination where before it was just darkness. I tried the medications. I felt the benefits immediately, like parts of my brain married up and began to work together. I could sit down and write those boring essays but when the pills began to wear off, I was back in the dark room again, wondering who turned the light off. This was usually followed by a withdrawal effect like id been on some drug (which I had). I didnt feel comfortable spending the rest of my life dealing with those side effects so I decided that I would do all I could to find a natural approach to my challenges.
About this time, I began working in SEN schools as a teaching assistant. I loved the job straight away. Getting to spend my days with quirky, non linear thinkers who often, werent't afraid to express themselves. I read all I could about natural answers to ADHD challenges, coming across theories like 'The Hunter/Farmer Type' and solutions as varied as short bursts of intense exercise, sugar free diets, mushroom nootropics and all manner of CBT / Hypnotherapy / behaviour strategies. Still, nothing seemed to really stick.
I carried on with life; work, got married, got a cat. Then my lack of organisation and taking on too much responsibility came crashing down on me in the worst burnout of my life. I hit the floor hard. First with Shingles and then a post viral condition called POTS. I spent the next 6 months, almost housebound. Afraid to walk in case I passed out. I couldn't even cook my own meals. In the months before, I had taken on a job in tech that didn't really suit me that had heavy targets to meet and too many clients to serve. My body had to scream NO. I had been self medicating for ADHD with caffeine, sugar and workaholism. I didn't know what alternative I had because I just could not tolerate the stimulants and had lost most of my trust in the medical system.
Perhaps the angels were watching over me then as one day, after mustering the courage to visit the supermarket, I bumped in to an old friend at the doorway. She asked how id been and not having the heart to lie, I told her what id been dealing with. She seemed to light up then as she told me all about this healer she had been working with, who had a unique system that had 'transformed' her life. By this point, I would have tried donkey testicles if theyd worked for someone. I had already spent around £5000 on treatments and remedies that only brought temporary relief. Yet, when your desperate, your willing to forego other things to get the help you need. Thank god I had some financial support from family during this time. My first meeting with Claire was relaxed and friendly. She had an aura of kindness about her and was eager to help. I won't go in to all the in's and out's about what she did but it felt like an energetic MOT. One that I was desperately needing. She suggested (she would never diagnose!) that my body could be in a defensive state called 'Cell Danger Response' which would explain the crippling fatigue and many other symptoms. Aswell as helping to balance this, she also showed me several tools that I could use to bring my mind, body and spirit in to better alignment. To act more from my own centre rather than the world around me. This was the beginning of me taking my power back and building my foundation from within myself. At the same time, I was reading 'We need your art' by Amie McNee. Her chapter on making small goals really hit home for me and by putting it in to practice, I found a kind of rocketfuel where I could finally get shit done. I didnt have to run marathons. That wasn't my style. I could be the sprinter that I was. I put my own system together, one that accomodated my creativity and reduced my dependence on tech.
That is where I am at today. After finding success with my own systems, I have began using them with neurodivergent young people as a coach and mentor.
There were no roadmaps available for living with neurodiversity. I stumbled alot. Made lots of mistakes (and continue to do so). Fell in to pits of self criticism. Eventually, I came through the fog and saw myself more clearly. I hope that my story will give some hope that is much needed on the roads less travelled.